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| if there were ever a time i have felt that i've just been going through the motions of daily life, now would be it. completely. because it's easy. easier that way because if i really stopped to think about all the things i want to think about, i would explode. and not really in a bad way, just completely combust with thought.
but.
i'm happy. i'm happy because i am able to see things for what they are. not what they were, what i thought they were, what i wanted them to be. none of it. just the way it is. i don't know, maybe i'm not, but it is the most clarity i've ever felt. i'm not worried about the future and i have few expectations but to be happy with whatever is next. in time. i realized tonight that i really don't have any regrets with my college experience. i didn't make as good of grades as i could've. i probably could've absorbed more in my classes.
but oh well. i had a hell of a time doing what i did and still manage to be mostly productive.
i'm happy because of what i've grown in this haphazard garden. i've sewn enough seeds with enough people although i'm sure i missed a lot. i've watched them grow and then disappear back into the soil to not spring up again. i've watched some grow and flourish year round with a little nurturing from time to time. and i've watched things bloom and disappear for many seasons only to pop right back up when i gave hope on it.
i'm happy because i've fallen out of love and somewhere down the line fallen back into it. a different, more wholesome love, too.
i'm happy because there are a few people around me that i don't have to explain myself too even when i feel like i need to. i'm happy because i have people around me that will be there the rest of my life in some way.
i'm happy because it will be ok. it always has been. somehow. it always will be eventually. if not today, some tomorrow. | | |
| i got a new computer, but i still find comfort in my old one. haven't quite warmed up to it yet.
i'm warming up to a lot of things. some things i was already warmed up to, but had to re-evaluate. re-acclimate. and that's fine, we all have to adjust. admit to ourselves how things really are and how you can't always change things. fix things. improve things. sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and learn to accept. my teeth are kinda hurting from the past few days though. but i've been trying not to tip toe at least. sometimes eggshells don't feel so bad between your toes.
i have about a month and a half left of college. it's fucking weird. hasn't sunk in yet for sure. it will. i'll be fine. i have some vague idea of what's next, but haven't really mapped out how to get there yet. i'll get there somehow. i got here somehow. | | |
| I'm feeling a lot better these days. A lot piled up really quickly, but I handled it. I handled it well actually.
I'm happy. Happy with myself. As much as I can be today. I've learned it's all about taking little steps to get somewhere bigger. I'm trying daily to improve in the small ways I'm able to to be even better tomorrow.
I graduate in May and what's next I have no clue. I'm not scared about what happens next. I'm scared of losing what I have now.
The best, hardest, craziest, most memorable, difficult and fun years of my life are coming to an end and I really don't know how to feel about that. It's a great loss for my day to day life, but I know that the most important things will remain in my life forever. Forever is a really big thing and one that I have no doubt about. | | |
| been thinking a lot about the last three and a half years of my life. i've almost started mourning it. i don't know why i feel like it's over several months before it actually is. the truth is, it's gonna hurt like hell when it really is and i might be subconsciously trying to ease that blow by breaking up with college before graduation actually happens.
i couldn't have asked for better friends, a better house, better experiences, better laughs, better cries, better days, better nights.
but i can ask for there to me more until it all runs out.
i have a lovely life. and i need to remember that. | | |
| bloggle sauce. it's weird. i was one of the few xanga devotees left, but now that my computer is broken, i've not only almost forgotten about this thing, but completely abandoned it. things are well. i miss california. i love that fall is coming. i'm making it. the quarter is almost over. my body hates me. my rearranged room is so cozy. i miss the old days. i'm trying to make the best of it. i'm a woman of few words these days. | | |
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